Tuesday, September 26, 2017

But I'll Come Back

Sometimes I want to disappear.


Go somewhere far away, go on an adventure or just go home and shut myself out,
Not because I want to see if people care, or because I want someone to find me.

I want to disappear just for the sake of it, just because it feels good to be alone and in my own company. It might seem like I hate people but, I actually don't, I just need a break. A break to find myself by doing the things I love, or to loose myself by trying out something new.

Shutting myself out from the world is what helps me stay afloat amongst the sea of white noise and after however long it takes -a few hours or even days- I am sure of who I am again. I know it might seem like i'm running away from my problems and maybe it's the truth but I don't care, because sometimes I just need to deal with my feelings alone and figure out what to do without clouding my judgement and sometimes not thinking and focusing on other things really helps.

But most of all, I want to disappear because i'm so done.

Done with putting up with some people and done with explaining why I am the way I am, why can't we just let each other be and stop bringing people down. It's just exhausting and sucks the life out of me and threatens to plunge me into black, white and grey but I refuse because I am made of colour, every emotion I feel and every thought I think is in colour. Every so often the world tries to numb and dull me out and mix so much white or black into me that I'm not me anymore.

Disappearing is my way of saying no, a personal rebellion to keep myself sane in a very insane way. And what better way to rebel than by doing what you love and showing that the world that whenever it tries to bring me down, I might stay down for a while, but I will always always rise brighter than before and stronger than before.

Because, dear reader, what better way to find ourselves again than by getting lost in what we know and love?

It's been a long time and god I miss writing, I almost forgot how good it feels to bleed emotions through words. And I love painting with all my heart but nothing in the whole world can compare to this beautiful feeling.
xx
Ritz

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